Dear God, I have so many dark secrets that I am too ashamed/scared to confess. But, I know that if I don’t get them out, they will eat me from the inside out. I have been living a lie for the past 14 years. To the world, I am this straight-as-an-arrow, put together woman with the perfect suburban life, the perfect marriage, the perfect parent. Not the case…not the case at all.
The first time I had sex, at the age of 14, was supposed to be with my boyfriend…only my boyfriend. Minutes after he took my virginity, he had his cousin come into the room and have sex with me as well. He had about 6 guys in the house waiting in line to have sex with me. I ran away after the third guy walked in the room. How could I be so stupid? I became spiteful towards men. I felt that they all just wanted to get in my pants. So, I decided to be just like them. I used men for sex. Some actually wanted a relationship with me, but I would tell them that the relationship was purely sexual…nothing serious. I estimate that the number of men I’ve slept with is probably around 35-40. I got lucky by not catching any serious STDs. I had one regretful abortion. I still think about him.
I married my husband 7 years ago. I told him I was a virgin. He still thinks that he is my “one and only”. I remained faithful to him until I caught him masturbating to porn. In my heart, he became just like all of the other men. Then, he started neglecting me to be with his friends…to go drinking with his buddies 3-4 times a week. I’ve cheated on my husband with four different men and one woman. Recently, I’ve been corresponding with a past fling. He claims that he loves me. They all say that. I don’t believe them. I’m not sure if I believe in love at all. I’ve contemplated leaving my husband for this man. Not because I love him, but because he’s a rich doctor. I know it’s not right. It’s selfish. I tell myself that I can learn to love him. But, can I?
The worst part is that I don’t really feel bad for any of this. I know that I should feel more guilt and shame. I do feel something, but not enough to make me stop. Lord, I need the strength to be a better person…to be a better wife and mother. I’m so weak minded and weak hearted. I know the devil is in me, but I can’t seem to do your will.. Not Worthy - Japan
