STUDIO83

Ladies, we men want you. We like to want you. But sometimes you do things that make it hard for us to want you. So I thought to myself, "Myself. In the interest of healing the world let us scribe a quick how to for the dames out there so they may be forever wanted." Noble, I know.

Firstly, first impressions are pivotal, ladies. Your appearance is of utmost importance. Think Apple. Simplicity and neatness go a long way.

But (and this is a big but because this is Africa after all) please, please, please go easy on the product. You do not need so much make up that people expect a float and parade to be following you. Practice great restraint when it comes to your L’Oreal because you might look good right now but in the morning I’ll realize my mistake and I won’t call you ever again. I’m not shallow as much as you are a liar.

Lose 90% of you make up kit. Because you’re worth it.

And that matted nest you have atop your head must go. Sisters, weave is mental slavery. It looks fake and doesn’t feel good against my natural skin when I hug you. And don’t give that excuse about how natural hair is hard to maintain. That’s bull and you know it.  Avoid all those damaging hair products. Love your hairline. Black men date white women not because of their hair but because they too have endured the embarrassment of a lover’s receding hairline.  It’s a support group of sorts.

Very important: dress for your body not for the runway. Just because mini skirts are in fashion doesn’t mean you can pull it off, dimples. And skinny jeans are for who? You guessed it. Skinny bitches. Let it go, thunder thighs. And my white sisters easy on the tight jeans that only accentuate the curve or you muffin top. Please stop it. Heals. Practice before you go out in them. You look like a crack-head with weak knees. Ok. Now onto your inner beauty. By inner beauty I mean your nibbly-bits. Firstly they are to be covered in matching garments. Winnie the Poo does not match Victoria Secrets. Ms. Secrets has never featured in any Disney production. We do appreciate your underwear choice so please make an effort. You shouldn’t have bad underwear to begin with.

I would also like to propose we make pre-coitus, end of day showers compulsory. After a long day in the sun, sitting four-four with a broken air-con just know that it’s not potpourri going on down there. Let’s take a shower together. Lux is your friend. And I don’t care how your man likes it – hairless as a Siamese cat or as natural as the Amazon – there must never be bush creeping over the neighbour’s wall. If it cannot be contained within the seams of your panties it’s got to go.

Ladies, we’re not asking you to wake up at five to look good for the day but some things are just basic. You only have to look at your man’s eyes when in Cape Town to realise that it doesn’t take much to look great. Just some common sense and a treadmill.

Note: The Scribblerer encouted problems uploading this post earlier today - hence why I am posting it on his behalf.