STUDIO83

 

 

After six years of drinking like only a madman ad-man can I’ve come to the realisation that alcohol is my weakness.

Four months of sobriety and I’ve discovered that I have super powers. All this time I thought tequila made me awesome. It didn’t. It just made everybody else blurry.

My favourite superpower is Saturday morning. It’s the power to be up at 7 after Friday night and have a full day ahead of you. I woke up one morning and looked outside the window to see the joy of this superpower. White people were jogging in the streets. They were grocery shopping for that evening’s dinner party (white people have a lot of these). Trust me when I say that weekends seem long enough when you don’t have hangovers.

The first two months, though, were plagued with the same conversation. Not the why aren’t you drinking conversation. It was the awkward, “Sorry, I didn’t get your name?” which would be predictably followed by, “Dude, we’ve met before. Many times.” Then on cue I’d say, “I obviously drink too much.” Apparently that’s a tired excuse.

Now I’m remembering faces. If life were a Marvel comic I’d be Facial Recognition Guy. Every criminal would know that it was I who boldly stood behind the one-way mirror and pointed them out in the police lineup. I’d be unstoppable. Crime rates would drop. Mothers would want me to kiss their babies. Fathers would want me to marry their daughters.

I’ve also been endowed with the gift of coherence at the bar. Whilst other, less articulate men, slur their stuttered pick up lines I swoop in with a witty remark and remember to compliment her on her hair, or earrings or anything Mr. Three-shots-in-a-row would’ve missed whilst he was conversing with her cleavage.

Many are the abilities of the fully conscience, including the ability to accurately gauge a potential mate’s attractiveness. No more 3am princesses for me. No sir. Now we get the girls who leave the party early because pretty girls always leave the party early. No more waking up next to someone you regret. Nah-uh. Standards have gone up.

Alcohol was my kryptonite. It crippled my charm and numbed my common sense. Sobriety isn’t all that bad at all. It’s great, really. We should all try it at least once.